I can't wait anymore: Bring on the turducken

Louisiana is the second-least healthy state in the nation, according to the United Health Foundation.

If I were thinner, blonder and more female, I would care a little more and try to eat better.

For anyone in distress about what they eat, I have found the perfect diet: wait tables, eat one meal a day - preferably between 4 and 5 p.m. - smoke cigarettes and play bongos. You'll be surprised at how quickly the weight drops. I stand today 100 pounds lighter than when I started my second semester in spring 2005, and I have fine dining experience, drum skills and black lungs to show for it. But I'm thinner.

If you're like me - proud to be a Louisianian, large and in charge, while thankfully not living in Port Allen - you're pacing impatiently for the next nine days waiting for your turducken.

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